Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Getting the News

Life takes U-turns sometimes. I am in the midst of a pretty big one. I thought that I would be sharing happy news this week, but that is not the case. Let me back up a bit and give you the whole story.

James and I had really been praying and discussing God's plans for our family. We both knew that we wanted to adopt at some point. However, we had never both felt God's peace (at the same time) that we were done with our biological family. Many adoption agencies will stop your adoption if you become pregnant during the adoption process so I felt that we needed to make a decision about our biological family before proceeding with adoption. We were in the midst of praying this through and had actually decided to sign up for foster parent classes when I had a feeling many women will understand. I took a pregnancy test on May 7th and it was positive. I was incredulous so I took two more and they were both positive as well. I told James as soon as he got home from work. We were both in a state of shock, but very excited as well. We kept the news to ourselves until that Friday when we told both of our sisters. We told our parents that following Sunday (Mother's Day) and a few friends over the next few weeks. We decided to wait until after our first ultrasound, which was scheduled for June 19th, to make any announcements.
I was feeling pretty well. I had only had minor nausea with the girls and it was the same this time. I had several other symptoms and a growing lower abdomen to reassure me. However, from the beginning I was nervous about this pregnancy. I lead a women's Bible study of about 15 and we had three women in it have miscarriages this year alone. Several more had miscarriages in previous years. I was trying to trust in God as we both felt He had made his plan clear for our family. This week (9 weeks pregnant) was the hardest as my two closest friends had experienced their miscarriages at 9 weeks. James had been both encouraging and supportive and we had begun praying together every night for our family and especially this newest blessing. The night of June 13 was a particularly difficult one for me. I struggled with sleep and was experiencing some lower back pain. The next morning, I discovered I was bleeding and called the Dr. They were able to get me in only 45 minutes after they opened and I reclined on the table for an ultrasound. The technician was great and told me that she would let us know right away either way. After taking a look she said that one of two thing was happening. First, was there any way my dates were off and I was only 5 1/2 weeks along? I knew then that our baby was gone. There was no way I could have only been 5 1/2 weeks having had 3 positive tests on May 7th. I would have to be at least 8 weeks and based on my dates I thought I was more like 10 weeks. She said in that case it looked like things had started well, but for some reason the baby had stopped developing at a 5 1/2 week size. The Dr came in and in what seems like a blur told us all the stuff I already knew: it was probably due to a chromosomal problem, there was nothing we could have done differently, it happened in 20-25% of pregnancies, etc. They offered several options to confirm and we chose a blood test for now, which we will have to repeat in a few days. We were nothing short of devastated. James kept trying to talk to me in the office, but I just had to hold it in because I knew once the tears came they would not stop. We made it out the door of the office and I lost it...

Friday, June 15, 2012

A Club I Never Wanted To Join

If you watch Grey's Anatomy you may remember this episode:


"There's a club...the dead dad's club and you can't be in it til you're in it. You can try to understand; you can sympathize, but until you feel that loss...I'm really sorry you had to join the club"

This is how I feel today after finding out that our baby, with whom I am nine weeks pregnant, stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks. My baby is dead. I really didn't want to join this club. I have many friends who joined it before me. I tried to understand and sympathize, but it is so true. You can't be in it til you're in it.

I miss my baby. I know that may sound crazy since never got to meet him or her and will never know this side of heaven whether we lost a baby boy or girl. Everything has changed. When you get pregnant, at least for me, all time becomes relative to your pregnancy. I thought,

"Right before the girls go back to school this fall we will have the ultrasound and name the baby"
"When I turn 35 in October I will be beginning my third trimester"
"At Christmas I will be 37 weeks"
"By the end of January we will be home with our three children"

All those events seem so unbearable to me now. I know that time will soften the grief, but it is so palpable now. 

When I grieve, which I have done my fair share of recently, it always reminds me of seasons of grief from before. In honor of some of those that have gone before here is my wish for my baby:

My Hope for Heaven
I hope your Grandpa K (Sept 2000) will whistle you a tune to help you sleep
I hope your ears delight in the music of Andy's (May 2003) guitar 
I hope you play on those golden streets with Kamryn, Connor & Caleb (Dec 2004) and your cousins Gabrielle (Mar 2005) and Christian (Sept 2006)
I hope Uncle Tom (8/2008) tells you all about trains
I hope you run with Elli (10/2008) who couldn't walk much on this earth, but runs in Jesus' presence
I hope Great, Great Grandma M (5/2011) sings you "I love you a bushel and a peck" 
I hope Great Grandma R (1/2012) has a kitchen up there and can bake you something wonderful
I hope you sit at the feet of Jesus with all the babies that all mom and dad's friends have lost as you wait for us...
I'll see you soon my baby