"There's a club...the dead dad's club and you can't be in it til you're in it. You can try to understand; you can sympathize, but until you feel that loss...I'm really sorry you had to join the club"
This is how I feel today after finding out that our baby, with whom I am nine weeks pregnant, stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks. My baby is dead. I really didn't want to join this club. I have many friends who joined it before me. I tried to understand and sympathize, but it is so true. You can't be in it til you're in it.
I miss my baby. I know that may sound crazy since never got to meet him or her and will never know this side of heaven whether we lost a baby boy or girl. Everything has changed. When you get pregnant, at least for me, all time becomes relative to your pregnancy. I thought,
"Right before the girls go back to school this fall we will have the ultrasound and name the baby"
"When I turn 35 in October I will be beginning my third trimester"
"At Christmas I will be 37 weeks"
"By the end of January we will be home with our three children"
All those events seem so unbearable to me now. I know that time will soften the grief, but it is so palpable now.
When I grieve, which I have done my fair share of recently, it always reminds me of seasons of grief from before. In honor of some of those that have gone before here is my wish for my baby:
My Hope for Heaven
I hope your Grandpa K (Sept 2000) will whistle you a tune to help you sleep
I hope your ears delight in the music of Andy's (May 2003) guitar
I hope you play on those golden streets with Kamryn, Connor & Caleb (Dec 2004) and your cousins Gabrielle (Mar 2005) and Christian (Sept 2006)
I hope Uncle Tom (8/2008) tells you all about trains
I hope you run with Elli (10/2008) who couldn't walk much on this earth, but runs in Jesus' presence
I hope Great, Great Grandma M (5/2011) sings you "I love you a bushel and a peck"
I hope Great Grandma R (1/2012) has a kitchen up there and can bake you something wonderful
I hope you sit at the feet of Jesus with all the babies that all mom and dad's friends have lost as you wait for us...
I'll see you soon my baby
5 comments:
Sarah,
My thoughts and prayers are with you. May God cover your grief with His blessings and grace.
I hope your little one gets to meet mine: Natalie Joy and Benjamin Thomas.
So sad for your loss. I pray God helps you grieve and mourn. May the Lord truly be the God of all comforts for you and the family. Love you all!
I love you sister. What a beautiful and authentic post, and what a glorious picture of the amazing group who greeted your little one in heaven! I can't wait to meet him or her in heaven and give them hugs and kisses. He or she was already blessed with such an amazing earthly family and is now in the arms of our Eternal Father. LOVE YOU and am always here.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Sarah. I've had two myself although I found out differently with mine. Give yourself time to grieve and remember that God is close to the brokenhearted.
We lost our very first baby in a similar way. I was 12 weeks, and the baby was only 8. Time, and 5 more beautiful children, have helped ease the pain, but we will always remember that first pregnancy that ended way too early. My thoughts and prayers are with you this night. Anna
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